Life

Life is different since the last time I posted. I lost my Mom soon after I posted in October of 2008 and dealing with that was and is hard. Some days are better than others, I know that she is at peace and not in pain from her MS or from the cancer that finally took her in the end. I know that, but in my heart I still don't understand it, I feel like I left things unsaid that things were not finished between her and I. I guess that's what I need to work on the things that I need to say and scream at her, I don't feel like I completely made her understand how much I hurt when she left my Dad and they divorced. How that act changed my life and how I view EVERYTHING. She did the right thing for her, and later in life I understood that, but damn as a 9 year old it was hard. I have never really expressed to myself let alone to anyone else how that hurt me, what it did to me. I'm still coming to grips with what it did and I'm almost 40. HAHA Thirty years later and I'm still dealing with childhood crap. Oh well you have to understand your past to make a better future for yourself and that is what I'm trying to do.

I look at pictures of us and I see the joy we had in each other, the joy I found in being in her presence ALWAYS, I know my Mom loved and adored me. That gift really helped and continues to help me as I go through the grief of her passing. I try to remember all that she taught me about faith, hope, and love. Putting her lessons to use is the challenge, because right now I need to draw on everything she taught me and put it to use, the challenge I'm facing right now is hard and I honestly don't know who I will be at the end of it. I can just hope to be a better me than I was before it started.

This post turned into something I did not expect, I was going to write something completely different but I guess I needed to get this said so that I can focus on whats happening now.

Peace and Joy! Jen