Life

Well today was a good day. I think my new favorite saying is "Just for today..." Just for today I can do X, it's fabulous because everyone knows that you can get through anything for a day. You just have to repeat that to yourself everyday. I like it.

Just for today, I'm going to eat better. Just for today, I'm going to be at peace. Just for today, I'm going to accept my Dad living with me. WOW powerful words! I like saying those words, because they are so true.

Peace ~

Life

Life is different since the last time I posted. I lost my Mom soon after I posted in October of 2008 and dealing with that was and is hard. Some days are better than others, I know that she is at peace and not in pain from her MS or from the cancer that finally took her in the end. I know that, but in my heart I still don't understand it, I feel like I left things unsaid that things were not finished between her and I. I guess that's what I need to work on the things that I need to say and scream at her, I don't feel like I completely made her understand how much I hurt when she left my Dad and they divorced. How that act changed my life and how I view EVERYTHING. She did the right thing for her, and later in life I understood that, but damn as a 9 year old it was hard. I have never really expressed to myself let alone to anyone else how that hurt me, what it did to me. I'm still coming to grips with what it did and I'm almost 40. HAHA Thirty years later and I'm still dealing with childhood crap. Oh well you have to understand your past to make a better future for yourself and that is what I'm trying to do.

I look at pictures of us and I see the joy we had in each other, the joy I found in being in her presence ALWAYS, I know my Mom loved and adored me. That gift really helped and continues to help me as I go through the grief of her passing. I try to remember all that she taught me about faith, hope, and love. Putting her lessons to use is the challenge, because right now I need to draw on everything she taught me and put it to use, the challenge I'm facing right now is hard and I honestly don't know who I will be at the end of it. I can just hope to be a better me than I was before it started.

This post turned into something I did not expect, I was going to write something completely different but I guess I needed to get this said so that I can focus on whats happening now.

Peace and Joy! Jen

October

So it is the beginning of October and I can't believe where the time has gone. 6 month ago I was in Ireland getting lost and having a blast and now I'm back home trying to decide where my life needs to go. I know I'm not happy and I know I need something in my life that makes me happy besides the dog that is. Work is OK if I can just focus on it and not let the crap bother me, but the crap is annoying the hell out of me and so are most of the people I work with. The worst part is I'm scared to make a change and to really examine where I'm at and who I am. I'm thinking more and more of volunteer work or joining an organization that does good deeds and promotes good in the world. Just trying to find one is hard and is that really where I need to be. I guess I should not question it too much and let it come to me. I'm big on things will happen when they need to happen and that we bring all things to us if we focus on bad we will get more bad, if we focus on good we will get more good. I'm just focusing some of my energy and emotions on the crap at work and not the good. I just can't seem to find the good at work, and then I think of crap and it is all bad. I don't know how to change my mind set to focus on positive things happening instead of coming up with all this negative crap all the time. I'm really get sick and tired of it, I know I need to stop the negative crap right when it rear's it's ugly head but I can't seem to do that I just seem to let my mind go there and I need to stop. So as of today that is my mission for the next couple of weeks is to change that habit into something completely different something positive and to really try and figure out what I need to do in my life to make the changes I need to happen.

Well that it all for now I think I have rambled enough for today. :) Jen